The Bug

Yesterday, 10:50pm

I'm loud. In my head I'm loud like a lawnmower on a sunday morning. In my room it's quiet like the seconds before a movie begins. I'm coiled tight, ready to spring.

It took me quite a while to put it into words, but that's exactly how I feel. Right this second, in thisnow. Restless, a little fidgety, a little troubled. 

My stomach is doing somersaults and I'm putting my hands in my mouth. If I tried pin-pointing what brought on said restlessness I would say, "I'm leaving, I can't sit still", and that would be somewhat accurate. That would be both the root of the problem, and the problem itself; the problem I currently have with where I am right now. Metaphysically, metaphorically, and in the most literal of senses. 

I'm leaving and I want to do everything, be everywhere. 

I also can't.

I'm having trouble stopping trying to picture myself anywhere else, but here. As I type these words I would much rather be outside sprawled on the lawn, looking at the stars. I would much rather be climbing a tree, riding my bike, driving with purpose, roasting at a bonfire, living a little more intentionally. 

And I realize this has always been a little pattern of mine, so it doesn't surprise me, it also doesn't comfort me. Whenever a big life change has been on the horizon, I need these experience, these people, these moments to ground me. To tie me down and let me know I'm nothing like an insipid little drop of water poured into the ocean. Because that's very much how I feel right now, a little feeble, a little plain. 

 And I think that it's funny that in other instances of my life, I'm the exact opposite. I take comfort in my room, in my thoughts, and in my privacy, something that seems so alienating in these quiet hours, right before I make a big jump. But I heard once that sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug. 

I'm currently the bug. 

Let me crawl (myself) into your heart, this way I can remain. 

I mean it. Truth.

"Here is easy. Now has always been the hard part." - D Smith Kaich Jones